Here's a long post. This week's homework assignment? Write about an historical or literary figure in a humorous way. We were supposed to pick a person/character who normally wasn't considered humorous. Here's what I did.
Miss Havisham Enters the Modern Age
"Estella,
I need a hand," cried Miss Havisham as she struggled to sit down in
front of the computer. It was tricky to manage even the most mundane
activity in her full-skirted wedding gown--but she made do.
"Yes, Miss Havisham. I'm . . . wait. What are you doing in front of my computer?"
"Your
computer? How quaint, Estella. This is mine as much as its yours, and
it's high time I give it a go. Not getting out much these days, and a
hobby would help while away the hours."
Estella sighed and immediately gave in. No use arguing with someone as committed and crazy as her mother-bride.
"So what would you like to look up? Stock reports? Ebay? We could fetch a small fortune for some of the wedding silver--"
"Stop
right there, Estella. I'm not interested in anything so crass as Ebay.
I've been hearing a lot about TheKnot.com. Sounds like a fine website."
"The
Knot, Miss Havisham?" said Estella, unable to hide the shock in her
voice. "It's a website for brides-to-be, not brides-that-almost-were."
"Don't
act so surprised, my girl. Open your eyes. I've got the gown, the cake,
the silver, the linens--all the necessary wedding accoutremounts. I'm
committed to the cause. Signing up for The Knot hardly seems a
surprising next step."
"Okay, okay, I'm game. OK, here's the site. First, you need a log-in name."
"Bride4Life."
"That was fast. You've given this some thought?"
"No, no, silly girl. Not a speck of thought. These things just come to me."
Estella
didn't believe her. Since when did Miss Havisham know what a user name
was? She'd never even turned on the computer, much less the lamp or the
toaster. Something was motivating her into the modern age--something
more than idle curiousty. But Estella wasn't in a mood to investigate.
Instead, she played along.
"OK, now they want some vital stats. Bride's name, groom's name, wedding date, engagement story--"
"Why all the details?" Miss Havisham nervously played with the moldering lace of her veil.
"What were you expecting?" asked Estella. "They want details for your online profile."
"Well, what if I'm not interested in having an online profile?" casually queried Miss Havisham.
"That's
the whole point of the site! You build a page, you look at other
brides' pages, you chat on the message boards, and then The Knot sends
you a million emails trying to sell you bridal bubbles, bridal
sneakers, bridal sweatpants--"
"Wait, back it up a bit. What did you say about looking at other brides' pages?"
Miss Havisham was up to no good. Estella's instincts were right.
"You
can look at other brides' pages for inspiration, advice--it's only
available to members who sign up and fill out a full profile."
"Fine," sighed the mother-bride,"just fill out the profile. Make it all up, I don't care what you write."
Estella
had to ask. "So you want me to fake a profile? So you can search around
the site unnoticed? Why ever would you. . . wait. Did you read Page 6
this morning?"
"Page 6? I never touch that trash."
"So this online expedition has NOTHING to do with a story about a certain fellow who left you at the A-L-T-A-
"Enough!
Enough! Yes, yes. It's him, Compeyson, and he's getting remarried. The
paper mentioned something about his bride-to-be having a profile up
online. I just thought. . . "
"Curiosity killed the cat, Miss Havisham. Better not to know."
"Right, right. But I do really need to see the guest list. I need to know my betrayers by name."
"And in exchange you'll get 20 emails a day about bridal band-aids. It's not worth it."
"Oh child, but it is. It really truly is. Let me do this."
"Fine, Miss Havisham. Fine. I'll fill out the profile."
"Splendid! And then you'll show me this thing they call "Facebook?"
"Oh, Miss Havisham. This is going to be a long night."